Declaration

I am tired.

Why is everyone a problem to solve? We accept only what we see as acceptable. We never look beyond our own nose. And if we do we revert back to the acceptable.

When did the choice of comfort over-rule the choice of living and caring? Why is that we only love pretty people? Why do we praise mediocrity of living? How can we call ourselves Christian when we live in fear and division?

And so I am tired.

Don’t the games of cat and mouse ever tire of politics and war? So begins the Declaration of my dependence.

I so declare, that I have for far to long depended on all others for my faith and beliefs. I so declare there is price for living such a life that price I paid openly with a lack of substance of self, but much more a resounding gong of all who were my friends touting all ideas and beliefs as my own to keep the friendship alive. As I said before I openly made my self in the image of those who were my friends, but in that have closed myself down barely allowing out anything remotely me. I declare that I painted to please others I danced to please others I have been self defecating to please others. And what has that taught me. If you treat yourself like crap and a fuck up then no matter how much people love you they will treat you like crap. It is all games.

I am so TIRED.

Of the self defecation that I put myself through, writing. I mean what the fuck no matter what I do or what I know none of it really truly matters. It is meaningless whether I throw my wife a party for her birthday or if I get up in the morning or if I have money or friends or even family. This is finally true there is no deeper meaning to this life than what we already know. Life is utterly fruitless, totally and absolutely mundane. I can not take it anymore and yet I cannot change it. It is not my job that sucks, it is not anything exterior. It is not death, it is not life it is not whether the sun rises or if my DSL circuit is working, it is not whether Al Gore should have one or if Valtrex will stop outbreaks of genital herpes. None of these things matter.

So what does matter? Does sin, does freedom, does religion, does politics, or any other things we make walls in our lives to keep people apart and segregated into their little groups and factions? Does it matter how you pray or if you have an understanding of the indwelling of the Holy Spirit? You know what I say FUCK NO! We are not those who want to live our lives divided always living by our own rules. If you believe there is a click look at yourself and examine your relationships and your interactions and your choices. It is time to stop pointing fingers. I have spent to much of my life trying to please everyone. I know I do it. I know it is natural to be drawn to like minded people Human nature some might say. Nothing wrong with Human nature we are only human. That, my friends is the crap, false, half truth that is taking our lives away from us on a daily basis. I am not saying not to be human I am just saying that we have some much more. Jesus showed us that we could be so much more. He walked the Earth and he went only after the pompous and the piteous, those who covered the truth with rules and those who tried to exploit the poor by making a mockery of the temple with there money changing and animal scalping. But even more important than that he built a community of people who had only one thing in common which was being Jews. Then after his death and resurrection his followers did the same thing all the way to us unifying people with only one common bond Jesus.

Now I am kinda sleepy, but not so much tired.

I really only want to declare to everyone this no matter what has transpired no matter the gap between us I will never stop loving you all. I will always keep hope alive for deeper and stronger friendships. And I have faith that as we go through life we will gain more freedom as we loose ourselves in the person who is Jesus. I am still not sure what exactly that totally means, but I am going after it because with out Jesus everything is absolutely worthless.

Good night