Trust

It is weird I always thought of myself as a trusting person, and I may well be. However I found out that when it comes to growing in person and in faith that I am a bit gun shy. The story goes that I am coming to a deeper understanding that I am performing for people’s acceptance. Sometimes it comes out as correction of facts or words other times it could be in telling exciting stories that are kind of part of the truth, but it comes back to the fact that I am looking for some form of self gratification. Over the weekend my wife and I ran into this when related to me wanting to go back to school and change career paths. My excuse was that I talk the way I do because of the career I am in I have to be an arrogant prick and tout my expertise and that translates to how I talk to her and others, and that is the reason I need to change careers. However that is not the root issue here and a career change will not change it. The root issue is directly related to how I grew up and felt I had to prove myself to my family and friends. The truth is that I do not necessarily know who put that on me or if it was a self imposed thing. What I am beginning to realize is that what I have always thought of myself, the intelligent, self-confident, handsome guy, persona that I put on was all based in hearing that from others to gain self gratification. So generally I would do to get gratified either through performing or in relationships with girls. It was never based in God’s love or who he has made me to be. Last night I had a great talk with a dear friend she helped bring this into more perspective. As we talked I could see that this was not just a me thing, but as we get delivered we have to walk that deliverance out by turning over our habits and life choices to God on a daily basis. Knowing I have received deliverance for this whole issue, I realize it is time to start walking into that deliverance and letting go of the passed that ruled my life. I am excited to see what my life will look like when I get there.

The Process

I am antsy today I feel like something is going to break. I was kind of in the air this morning. I am not sure what it is, but I have drifted somewhat into the mundane and meritocracy for the last week and a half. Sunday was the bright shining light in the rather dull and what seemed very dreary week and a half. It is strange sitting out side in my back yard in the early morning just smoking and praying. Especially when you can feel your spirit lift and hear God speaking to you that you are moving forward and you are not the person you used to be. That was yesterday morning. Today, I have a renewed fervor to get things moving again for the comic and towards better time management.
Now news about school and future employment. I decided that it is time for a complete career change. No more being the computer geek, I am getting tired of that know it all personality type it tends to breed arrogance and well I don't want to be arrogant. So, as to the field, graphic artist. Now what is left is deciding on the school and figuring out how to pay for it. This is where you wish for some rich uncle or family member to just hear your hopes for a better future and have a desire to bless you with your education to be paid for. Well, anyway I am looking at both Pacific Northwest College of Art and Art Institute of Portland. Right now the Later is winning because thy have a night school program. Anyway please pray for this and for God to break new careers in all of our lives.